Another collection of classics

I've been storing them up again and so have quite a mass of calls to share. Hope you enjoy them!

The Dangers Of Sexual Pleasure

• 16YOM, pain in his willie after doing his boyfriend up the bum (This is the actual wording the calltaker used - I feel someone needs to remind them that these are legal documents and "putting exactly what the caller said" is not always appropriate!)
• 39YOM, torn foreskin, bleeding
• 28YOF Acute abdo pain after making love, unable to stand (That must have been some impressive lovemaking!!)
• 22YOM can't get an erection after he spilt beer on his penis (Don't think this is what the Government meant when they told us that alcohol can cause sexual problems)
• I am in Labour and need to go to Buckingham Palace. It is Prince Harry's baby and he wants to be there for the birth

If you think we're gonna send on this you are sadly mistaken my friend ...

(although we probably had to send on most of them!!)

• Pat has just come off flight from America, shaking, ?withdrawal symptoms from no cigarettes
• Their is a cat crying outside her house for the last hour. Please could we come and remove it
• 55YOM, ?problem, looks like David Bellamy and is only wearing tracksuit bottoms (Looking like bellamy is probably a fairly impressive problem!!)
• 25YOM, Being sick, has not got enough body fluids
• 21YOM with burns to hand and face. Pat had petrol on hand and face from filling up the lawn mower and then tried to burn some wood
• 14YOF, swallowed a hair (Yes a 14 year old - she's gonna be beaten up at school if she's that much of a wuss!)
• 40YOM not feeling violent towards others but is hitting himself in the head with tin cans. He is also eating the shopkeepers chocolate.
• 41YOM has schizophrenia and collectamania (Pat collects things, mostly pens)
• My son has taken an oath on me to make my bronchitis worse

I feel suicidal because ...

• I have a vaccine for AIDS but can't release it until the media release the records they have been gathering for years
• I am being followed by a black cobra
• I want to take off all my clothes in the street and go dancing
• Felt suicidal, tried to jump off wall but has now got down, still feels suicidal though
• I'm having an out of body experience. I left my body in the flat
• The heater pipe near the fire exit is hot and flaking paint
• I was due to have a double suicide but the female has walked off. I'd like some finding her
• I drank a bottle of hand sanitiser because I felt dirty

The Ambulance Service is a NOT a taxi company

• 22YOF in labour (Reason for husband not being able to convey - states there are too many people to fit in his car. Was kindly advised that perhaps he should take his wife and a passenger first and then come back for the others. Thankfully Husband agreed that was probably a better solution)
• 50YOM chest pains (As crew arrived, so did 3 taxis in order to take passengers to airport. Pat wanted them to check her out on the way to airport)

Children will stick body parts in anything ... and anything in their body parts!!

• 4YOM, small rubber part of hands free set has gone into earhole and is no longer visible
• 5YOM has a cradboard tube stuck on his leg. He was pretending to be a pirate
• 2YOM finger stuck in an air freshner ventilation hole. It is jammed tight

Typos

• 5YOM, shit fingers in door
• 88YOF has a peacemaker fitted and it's misfiring
• Emergency Transfer for 35YOM who has jumped 15ft off a building, multiple facial fractures and Super Arachnoid Haemorrhoids (Wow! How did he land?!?! I'll let you decide what this should be!)

I'm sorry Sir but did you call us to cancel the ambulance?

• 30YOM wasp sting on toe, allergic reaction, feeling dizzy. (Ambulance arrives. No answer from door despite repeated knocking. No answer from phone after repeated calls. Crew assumes patient has collapsed. Police are called. Police break down door. Patient is not there. Ring local hospitals. Ask if Patient is there. Patient has made his own way. Receptionist is told to make Patient aware he no longer has a front door and in future it would be wise to call us if you make your own way.)

LAS 1 Patients 0

• 35YOF, severe head pain, screaming. (Ambulance arrives. Can hear TV on. No answer from door despite repeated knocking. No answer from phone after repeated calls. Police are called. Police break down door. Crew find 4 adults sitting in living room. All deny calling for ambulance. BT are called. BT confirm call was made from that address. 4 people in sitting room need new front door and are given stern talking to by police.

LAS 2 Patients 0

And Finally ...

A fridge repair man calls stating he has just spoken to a lady and she could barely breathe. Could we go and check she is alright. LAS arrive to find lady who has a broken fridge and no other health problems. She had just run to the phone!!

At least it was a well intentioned false alarm!